Things I Wish I Could Say To You (I can’t)

There are a couple of things I’ve wanted to say to you from the very first moment I realised you had come into my life to stay. If by chance you read this, you may not even know it’s about you because you think you’re better than everyone else and there’s no way on earth you’re all these things. And maybe you do read it and know it is you. That would be very introspective and maybe you’ll realise what kind of person you really are. Would it change anything? I doubt it. But I’m not here because I want you to see this and miraculously change or feel bad, I’m here because I need to say what I’ve been holding in for years. So here goes….

You’re a raging narcissist. You are literally the textbook definition of a narcissist. You have an inflated sense of self-importance, you lack empathy (and cover it up with logical thinking), and you are very entitled and self-centred. You are manipulative and frankly, a liar. There’s no one more adept at twisting and turning a situation to suit their narrative. Always right, never wrong. No one else’s opinion matters when you’re involved. You try to paint another picture to those who care to listen, but we all know the truth.

You’re the reason why I always found it so hard to express myself and say what I really feel/think. After years of being shut down and made to feel unintelligent and insignificant, I thought I wasn’t deserving of an audience. I thought my opinions didn’t matter and that no one cared about what I thought anyway. But thank God, I know better now. I’ve been blessed with people who constantly show me how much they value my thoughts/opinions.

A lot of people don’t actually respect you. You think they do because they are quick to do whatever it is that you tell them to do but the truth is, everyone is just tired of the constant shouting and berating. We would much rather just inconvenience ourselves for the time being. It is unhealthy, yes. But I know that one day, you’ll get what’s coming to you. Someone somewhere (hopefully soon) is going to tell you this to your face. And I hope it cuts you deep because I know you get off on that feeling that everyone respects you.

You’re the reason why I constantly feel the need to prove myself worthy of love, of care, of affection. You made me feel like I had to be the best at everything like I had to work to get your approval and love. You once told me to be extra thankful that you were willing to pay my tuition the next year because I had not done as well as you had hoped. lol. I hadn’t failed, no, just not satisfactory enough for you. You once told my mother that I wasn’t worth the money she was spending. Or the time you told me I was a disgrace and I had wasted your time and six years of secondary school because I didn’t win anything on the day of my high school graduation. Tell me, what exactly did I do to earn your hatred and disdain? tell me, I’m listening. It’d better be good because you’re a reason why I hate my life. You’re a reason why I don’t want to be here.

Now you might not be the sole reason for my trauma and plethora of issues but you’re a damn big reason. I do not like you and I don’t think I ever will. I forgive you for all the fucked up shit you’ve done and are still doing but I’ll never forget. And if anyone asks me what I genuinely think about you, I’m not going to lie and pretend anymore. Let the world know who you really are.