Heart On Paper

DISCLAIMER: There’s no real purpose or advice to/in this post. This is just a blow by blow of my thoughts at 3 am. Okay, let’s get on with it…..

I think it's fair to say if you’ve read one of my posts or you actually know me, you know I generally wear my heart on my sleeve. I’m very emotional and I tend to feel most things more deeply than others. I say most things because there are a couple of things I’m desensitized to (side effect of the crazy world we live in). And so, almost by default, vulnerability is something I’m drawn to. Not faux vulnerability or shallow half in half out vulnerability, but the kind where you can see that the person’s very heart is bared. I’m drawn to it like a moth to a flame. There’s just something about knowing someone’s deepest fears and desires, knowing their very person, knowing the experiences that shaped them into who they are. It’s one of the most intimate things, in my opinion. I think that’s why I love handwritten notes or in this age of technology; The Notes App. I’m a sucker for long-ass paragraphs, I don’t mind reading pages and pages of the contents of a person’s heart or thoughts. Writing (or typing) always seems to bring out one’s true feelings. I feel like when you’re speaking, more thought goes into it. Filters are placed and there’s sometimes hesitation to say how you really feel. But when I’m writing, everything just flows. My thoughts are more coherent and it's so much easier to articulate my feelings. Just me?

But the thing about vulnerability is that it is completely wasted in the hands of someone who doesn’t know what to do with it. I suddenly realise how nefarious that might have come off and I promise, it's not how it seems! What I mean is, for me, being vulnerable requires that my vulnerability is met with vulnerability, perhaps not the same level but an adequate amount. That’s what brings on intimacy I think, shared vulnerability. Also, having the perfect conditions for landing. Like knowing you can be vulnerable and it would be received with love and understanding or at least a willingness to understand. One hard fact I’ve had to come to terms with is that not everyone is equipped to deal with vulnerability or is willing to be vulnerable. It’s tough when you want to be vulnerable with someone but you feel that they are not ready to do the same. It’s okay to take a step back though. Constantly pouring and pouring and not receiving as much can be exhausting. Do what’s best for you and your mind.

Here’s to achieving shared vulnerability (if that’s what you’re into)

-B