Depressed and Introverted; A day in the life
7:00- I wake up, start panicking about oversleeping (I literally have nothing important to do; I just don’t want to give The ‘Rents (my parents) any room for complaints so early in the morning). I look at my phone, heave a sigh of relief and wonder if I should go back to sleep for the few minutes before my alarm goes off. I nod off.
7:30- New Rules by Dua Lipa wakes me up. I contemplate my life for a few minutes and wonder who I must have offended to have this existence. Stand up from my bed and start my morning routine.
8:00- I’m back in my room, hoping I get a few minutes to myself so I can sleep for a bit more (sleep is a source of escapism for me, don’t judge). If I’m lucky, I get a couple of minutes then I officially start my day; shower, quiet time, more sleep? If I'm not, there are chores to do. Floors to sweep, clothes to spread, surfaces to dust.
11:00- Set the table, eat a boiled egg and a glass of watermelon smoothie (because apparently, my weight is a cause for concern). FML. Seriously.
1:00- What to do for the day? Upskill? Sleep? Watch shows (pray 9mobile isn’t on some bs today). Then I remember, I haven’t had quiet time. I have to; I’ve been really trying to be intentional about spending more time with God. That usually makes me calm….for a bit….then life sets in and my thoughts threaten to overwhelm me.
The rest of the day isn’t interesting either. Errands, cooking, hearing comments about my weight, trying (and failing) to make plans to see people. But that’s impossible because there are kidnappers everywhere? And I have to start heading back home by 4 pm??? I wonder if I’m not expected to have a life; I wonder what the big plan is.
Independence is a drug. You have a taste and it gives you a rush of emotions; happiness, stress, fulfilment, a sense of responsibility … a whole bunch. Having that taken away from you suddenly is so weird and disconcerting and it feels like your very life has been taken away from you. That’s how I feel. I feel like my life isn’t mine and that I’m doomed to continue living for my life-givers. I feel insignificant for still not being able to pass my point across. I feel alone because I don’t have anyone to fight for me and I don’t think I can do it on my own. I feel helpless. Like I’m slowly drowning and screaming for help and no one seems to hear me. But that’s not true, some people hear me and they try so hard to encourage me to keep fighting and keep swimming and keep going. Can’t wait for the day I can see the shoreline; one way or another.
There’s honestly no real merit to this post. I just wanted to talk about my life and how I’ve been feeling. It could be worse though so I guess I’m grateful?
-B
