24-inch Waist
I’ve always been relatively small. Emphasis on ‘relatively’. Tiny arms, tiny wrists, tiny waist. The funny thing is, for as long as I can remember, I’ve always felt like I could be smaller. Like my waist could be smaller. I had a 24-inch waist, and I thought that if my waist were smaller, I’d be a better model (please I still question this line of thought, feel free to do the same). I thought that if I looked lean and svelte, I’d feel less like an imposter. The gag is, I was already lean and svelte. I remember the first time someone, a teacher no less, described me as “svelte”, I couldn’t believe it; for several reasons.
For the past two years or so, I’ve been super conscious about my weight, about my body, about my waist. For a while, my B cups were a source of agony and now that that’s changed, I can’t say I feel particularly better. Maybe it was because I thought for a long time that if I looked more like the hourglass babes on Instagram, I’d be loved and appreciated and not be cheated on. Lool. I can’t be blamed for this though; I had heard my ex say on several occasions that if he had the opportunity to date a super attractive girl, he wouldn’t “fumble the bag” like other men and cheat….while he was repeatedly cheating on me. In all fairness, he’d say this when we were watching a movie where something like this happened and must have thought it was banter but words have this ridiculous way of staying with you and leaving an imprint. But I’m no longer in that situation and let me let you in on a secret; I absolutely hate how my body looks right now. Omdsss. I gained a bit of lockdown weight and I think I look very misproportioned. I know in my hearts of hearts that I’m being ridiculous, I know that I look perfectly fine by some other people’s standards, but I look into the mirror and I still can’t appreciate what I see.
I read this article about body dysmorphia a while ago and it seemed to pretty much sum up how I was feeling. And I feel like it isn’t talked about enough, especially in black communities. I had a 24-inch waist, and I thought I wasn’t small enough. I wanted bigger breasts and now that I have them, I’m still not happy. Would having my small waist back make me happy? I somehow doubt it you know. It’s very possible I’d just find something else to complain about. What I really need to do is to focus on loving myself and appreciating me and everything about me. It’s hard, can’t lie. I felt like I had been making progress, was working out and feeling great and one day I decided to take a tape measure and measure how many inches my waist was and I feel like I just went back to square one.
For anyone else who might be feeling the same way, heyyy. You’re not alone. You’re beautiful and you deserve to feel beautiful. Your body is a work of art and should be viewed as such. I really hope you learn to appreciate yourself more. I hope we all learn to appreciate ourselves more.
-B
